The "Nice Guys" Essay

[kyra_ojosverdes]

I wasn't going to link it, because it's been linked everywhere, but y'know, while reading it I was reminding myself that I'm not allowed to use a highlighter pen or underline words on my computer monitor, so here. No More Mr. Nice Guy, by divalion. There will be a quiz later. And oh hell did I have a few lightbulb moments about why certain people annoy me. I'd post my favorite parts but that would take a page or two. Well okay, just one bit.

Flirting without expecting a return on investment is ok. Active seduction when there are clear signs that it is welcome is ok. Trying to constantly slip in "innocent" gropes, innuendo, kisses, or anything else when she's not interested is the adult equivalent of "are we there yet? are we there yet? how about now? how about now?"

Comments

[ebon-bear.livejournal.com]

Just read that whole rant and I only have one problem with it: It is entirely possible to be completely in love with someone and never had the nerve to tell them that (I know because that was exactly what I did with Pixie).

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

*hug offered*

[ebon-bear.livejournal.com]

It's ok, but thanks. The really annoying thing was that I never had teh nerve to declare myself but, based on some txt messages she sent me within the year of her moving to Oz, there was at least some interest from her end too.

[marialuminous.livejournal.com]

You are not entitled to have a relationship in your life just because you want one. Oh, yeah.... more people need to get this memo.

I've been on the receiving end of that Nice Guy thing a few times myself, and I really appreciated reading this - it completely explains an entire situation in high school, which involved a Nice Guy who fell in love with me, and wouldn't leave me alone, and yet, even though he creeped me out and creeped all my friends out, my friends pressured me to not reject him, cause he was Nice.

And one last quote: Likewise, if she says something you did was weird or pushy or unwelcome, mocking her "paranoia" or getting defensive or saying it was "just a joke" doesn't make you right-- it makes you a jerk. Respect how she perceives you. You might think she was oversensitive, but you have no idea what it is like to be a woman in a world where we have to deal with unwelcome aggressive attention all the time. Treat her feelings as valid even if you "didn't mean it that way".

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

I have to confess, I fell prey to some of the internal "nice guy" stuff when I was a good bit younger. Mostly, it was the "why doesn't anyone want to go out with me?"

For some of the fallacies, it's absolutely necessary to get people to look at them the right way.

"I'm a decent guy! Why doesn't she want to go out with me?"

"Because she doesn't feel interested."

"WHY NOT?"

"Does it matter? Maybe she's a fool who doesn't realize what a wonderful guy you are, but no one can *make* her go on a date she doesn't want to go on, can they?

"Now, if you want to be angry with her for being a fool, that's fine, but the next time you meet someone who you're not interested in hanging out with, imagine that person asking you to dinner. Not only do you have to hang out with someone who you might not be interested in, you have to wonder if that person is going to make a move on you."

[samvimes.livejournal.com]

I read that rant, and the "Bi Bi Baby" one too. She's a good writer and has some keen insights into people.

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

The Bi Bi Baby had me nodding so hard I risked neck injury.