The Terror of Clothing

[kyra_ojosverdes]

They're being sold at Wal-Mart. (We now pause as Katrina flagellates herself for shopping at a Big Box store, thereby contributing to destruction of rainforests, third-world sweatshop practices, low wages, discriminatory pharmacy policies, and the heartbreak of really bad music. Okay, let's continue. After all, she's broke, her clothes don't fit, and she got a really cute lacy pink strappy tank top. Let them eat Twinkies.) Note: I really do feel guilt whenever I shop there, and try to do as much of my clothes shopping as possible at Goodwill or other 2nd hand stores.

Shorts. Shorts are, by definition, short. There is a specific, and small, group of women who look good in very short shorts, like those worn by Katherine Bach in "The Dukes of Hazzard"... shorts which are really more like denim panties. Inevitably, the women wearing these ultra-short shorts do not belong to that specific group of women. Sorry, I don't find dangling butt-cheeks sexy.

The current trend in shorts seems to be continuing this dangerous but tried-and-true flirtation with "how short can shorts be." At the same time, the "how low can the waistband be" (read: how much shaving and waxing will women do before deciding that the waistband is just too low) trend continues. Shorts are now wider than they are long. In the case of the size 2X shorts at which I stared in horror, roughly three times as wide as they are long. Some things simply should NOT be.


Tank tops. They're wonderful things. I love them and wear them three seasons of the year (under long-sleeved dyke-shirts in Spring and Fall). I adore the tiny little ones with spaghetti straps, and was very happy when they figured out how to put a shelf bra (read: doesn't support anything larger than a B cup, but helps enough to quality as a benefit to all of humankind) in the tank. It beats having your bra straps on display, and is certainly better than, well, going without a bra when one oughtn't. (Again: small group of women who look good braless. Even they generally only look good when they're cold. The rest of us should wear the damn bra.)

Some of you good readers may be familiar with the style of women's bathing suit that includes a molded foam bra. The bra, as it were, consists of two sturdy foam-rubber cups that form smooth, unnaturally round and impact-resistant domes over the wearer's breasts. They provide an added bonus of adding about half a cup to the apparent breast size. They are evil and wrong, but forgivable on a bathing suit, which is far more evil and wrong. Yesterday, I saw them on a tiny little stretchy tank top. I was horrified yet fascinated when I saw the twin domes pushing their way out from the rack of cotton-spandex. I removed the tank from the rack and held it up for inspection, then quickly put it back, holding back laughter and trying nobly to hide the evil mounds of wrongness in the hanging clothing. They refused. I made my escape, only to be overcome with laughter when one of my sons asked, "Mommy, why did that tank top have really big breasts?"

Comments

*chuckle*

[mindscat.livejournal.com]

as a plus sized woman, i share your horror of those scary short shorts. i myself never wear anything shorter than my knees as much for my own comfort as for those who have to glimpse me, ROFL. and even then i shudder because my skin is pale, Pale, PALE. but yes, i too have spotted those strappy tanks with the shelf bras and the 'up the ass crack' short-shorts. frankly, i have wanted to buy a few of those tank tops, but i KNOW my D cups would not benefit from said 'shelf bra'. not to mention flashing my incredibly matronly upper arms. so while i do own several strappy tank tops and regular tank tops, i wear the strappy ones under shirts, WITH a bra, lol. and the regular tank tops? well suffice it to say it has to be DAMN hot before i will wear one sans a shirt. at least out in public.

Re: *chuckle*

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

The sad thing about the shelf-bra tank tops is that they make the straps from the same stretchy material as the shirt itself... and overly stretchy straps aren't good if they're meant to support any amount of weight. I am not large-breasted (depending on my weight, I'm between a 38AA and a 38A), and I frequently have to do the old "heave-ho" maneuver on the front of my tiny-tanks. Attractive. Or not. This new one though, has less stretchy straps, so maybe they're figuring this whole thing out. It also has slider adjusters. Yay!