It's Hard to Dance with the Devil on Your Back

[kyra_ojosverdes]

We were greeted warmly... lots of hugs and "we missed you" and "so good to see you" and "how are you doing." Jennifer was there, and we exchanged a couple hugs. She's SO amazing. Still. She just doesn't get any less incredible. Even a two minute conversation leaves me energized. Damn heterosexuality... ;-)

James was an acolyte today. He looked so beautiful and solemn, carrying the brass candle lighter thingy so slowly and carefully. He was nervous and tried to get out of doing it, but he was also up early this morning, kneeling on the sink as he carefully wet and combed his hair so he'd look his best for acolyting.

I told Pastor Connie that I needed to talk with her sometime, as I'd figured out the biggest thing that's been keeping me away from church. It's "B." (I'm not sure why I'm bothering to abbreviate his name, because anyone who goes to my church and reads this will know exactly who I'm talking about, but I guess it's the thought that counts, or something.)

B slipped and fell when he was 17. He sustained some serious brain injury, and wasn't expected to live. 26 years later, he's alive, but uses a motorized wheelchair to get around. He has a very difficult time speaking, and it takes serious patience and concentration to listen to what he's saying. Because of his difficulty communicating, he's quite isolated socially. When Pastor Steve was here, he made a big effort to keep B included in events and activities. When Pastor Steve left, it became clear that nobody was stepping up to take over what Steve had done... so, of course, I did. For about six months, I drove B to and from church each Sunday in his special minivan. I sat with him and helped him during the service. I exhausted myself meeting his needs.

I was also e-mailing and chatting on IM with him at that point, to help decrease his social isolation. He's a very nice man, and there's not a thing wrong with his mental capacity. He'd take a very long time to compose a sentence, but since I'm generally doing 12 things at once, that was no issue.

Anyhow. The first time he came on to me, I made it very clear that the flirtation was not okay.. that I don't like it when men flirt with me (I suddenly feel like I'm wearing a great big bullseye), and that I didn't want him, my friend, to flirt with me. He apologized and all was well. The second time he flirted with me, I got mad. (He'd sent an e-card detailing all the different ways he'd like to kiss me. It was NOT a "friend" type card.) I told him that the e-card was unacceptable, and didn't speak to him for the rest of the service. He apologized profusely (much puppy-dog eye action and pouting). I told him not to ever do it again, and things would be fine.

Do you ever feel unspoken pressure from someone? Know that they want something very specific from you, and that it's something you're not willing to give? While all this was going on, it was really clear to me that he wanted me to be romantically involved with him. I saw him as a friend and had absolutely no interest in being his girlfriend. Spending so much time caring for him was really taking a toll. The day I went home in tears because an older member of the congregation criticized my children's behavior (the boys were playing very quietly on the floor in front of our pew while I was focusing all my attention on B's needs), I couldn't take it anymore. About that same time, B propositioned me again, in IM chat. He basically invited me to come to his apartment and fellate him.

I told Pastor Connie that I couldn't drive for B anymore, and that I'd need someone else to sit with him during church as well, so that I could concentrate on caring for my boys. Every time I go to church and he's there, he wants to sit with me, and only with me. He wants to talk with me, and only with me. He gives the big "why don't you love me" puppy-dog eyes. I feel like utter and complete shit. Every shred of "caretaker" in me starts yelling that I should be nice to him and ignore his inappropriate behavior. Can't I see how lonely he is? Can't I see how badly he needs me? It's exhausting, and it certainly doesn't make me eager to go to church.

So, sometime after mid-May, I'm going to talk it over with Connie, and see if she's got any advice for me. I'd love to be attending church regularly again. The people there are so wonderful. They take such good care of me when I need them. I really, really enjoyed being there today. I'm so glad we went.

The title for this entry is from one of the hymns we sang today: "Lord of the Dance." I love, love, love that hymn. The tears always start at "I danced on a Friday and the sky turned black. It's hard to dance with the devil on your back. They buried my body and they thought I'd gone, but I am the dance and that dance goes on." The tone is so wonderfully, defiantly upbeat and strong, even when it's mournful. I love music (or anything, really) that encompasses the breadth of emotion and recognizes that we don't just feel one thing at a time. I have two-dimensional "happy happy joy joy" hymns, nearly as much as I hate two-dimensional "the world suck and I suck even worse" hymns. I love the ones that acknowledge that sometimes, or even a lot of times, life really sucks nasty objects... and which then go on to celebrate the strength and power that keeps us going even when life is sucking nasty objects.

Greetings Katrina --

Here is your horoscope for Sunday, May 4:

A good pal can't imagine what you see in your sweetie. Your ability to play both sides of the fence puts you in an odd position. While you sense a pending improvement, it's a hard thing to communicate.

Huh.

Comments

It's not your responsibility

[gunhed.livejournal.com]

Every shred of "caretaker" in me starts yelling that I should be nice to him and ignore his inappropriate behavior.
I wonder if he knows that and is trying to take advantage of it?

Can't I see how lonely he is? Can't I see how badly he needs me?
This is just off the top of my head so it may not sound terribly compassionate, but...
His happiness is not your responsibilty. You have tried to help him. You have given him a second, even third, chance. You have done more than I would expect of anyone who is not related to this man.

I'm can feel sorry for him and understand the difficulties he faces but hey, he is an adult and is responsible for his behavior. If he wasn't disabled would you consider his behavior stalking? I would definitely talk to someone in the church about keeping him away from you.

Re: It's not your responsibility

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

That's just it... if he weren't disabled, he'd likely not have gotten a second chance. At least, not at the same level of friendship. It's still hard for me, though. I'm getting better at recognizing when it's not my responsibility to make sure everyone else in the entire world, or at least my vicinity is happy.. but I still need some work in that area.

Thanks for the support!

Three Chances

[kagomeshuko.livejournal.com]

I really think three chances with "B" is enough. I don't think you have done anything wrong. After all, you did try, and then he is the one that tried to advance the relationship one too many times after being warned not to do such.

While reading your entry, I couldn't help but wonder what denomination church you attend. You are one of the few people I've encountered that uses the word "acolyte." I always use that word.

Also, reading that you sang "Lord of The Dance" made me wonder as well. I love that hymn! We sing it quite often in the church I normally attend (but am deciding about, as i am not sure about things currently going on).

I can sing that song by memory. I sang it about four million times for a week back in the summer of 2000. Went to St. Louis for a youth gathering. The theme was "Dancing At the Crossroads." so, our group decided that we would be all cheery and sing that song wherever we walked.

I danced in the morning when the world was begun
I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun
I came down from heaven and I dance on the earth
At Bethlehem I had my birth.

Dance, then, wherever you may be.
I am the Lord of the dance, said he.
And I'll lead you all wherever you may be.
And I'll lead you all in the dance said he.

I danced for the scribes and the pharisees.
they wouldn't dance and they wouldn't follow me.
I danced for the fisherman, for James and John.
they came with me and the dance went on.

Dance, then, wherever you may be.
I am the Lord of the dance, said he.
And I'll lead you all wherever you may be.
And I'll lead you all in the dance said he.

I danced on the Sabbath and I cured the lame.
The holy people said it was a shame.
they whipped and they stripped and they hung me high.
and left me there on a cross to die.

Dance, then, wherever you may be.
I am the Lord of the dance, said he.
And I'll lead you all wherever you may be.
And I'll lead you all in the dance said he.

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black.
It's hard to dance with the devil on your back.
they buried my body and they thought I'd gone,
but I am the dance and I still go on.

Dance, then, wherever you may be.
I am the Lord of the dance, said he.
And I'll lead you all wherever you may be.
And I'll lead you all in the dance said he.

They cut me down and I leap up high.
I am the life that'll never, never die.
I'll live in you if you live in me.
I am the Lord of the dance said he.

Dance, then, wherever you may be.
I am the Lord of the dance, said he.
And I'll lead you all wherever you may be.
And I'll lead you all in the dance said he.

does your church do the tradition of singing the fourth verse slower than the others?

Oh, and also, because of the female pastor, it made me wonder.

Stein Auf!
Bridget

Re: Three Chances

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

I belong to a United Methodist church. Sometimes we sing the fourth verse more slowly. Yesterday it was only a little slower, though, and the tempo picked up fast at "I am the dance and I still go on."