If I Had a Nickel...

[kyra_ojosverdes]

I don't love autumn. The air seems sharp with grief and braced with dread of coming winter. I really don't love winter. I'm a summer person. Summer is the season of excess and extremes. It is the season where you don't worry about the heating bill, scraping ice off the windshield, or treacherous roads. In summer, it never hurts to breathe. The air rushes at you, thick with heat and sensation. Autumn is the slow tumbling back to reality, sky-castles and nebulous grand plans crumbling with each falling leaf. Winter will come, with its bare hard trees of necessity and need, the aching bitter cold of regret, and the stinging wind of loneliness.

Puzzle Pieces:

Yesterday, someone e-mailed me, saying that things seemed weird between us lately. My first thought was "Nothing's weird, I'm not communicating with anyone these days, not even redrita. If I'm not chatting with my favoritest sister at least every third day, something is seriously awry.

I've been snapping at the kids, getting wild-eyed with irritation and overwhelmedness (sure it's a word) when two (sometimes just one) kids talk to me at the same time as I'm trying to do something.

I usually notice the changes (deficits) in my concentration first, but I'm not exactly working physics equations out on the job site.

The bouts of "sudden-onset despair" are getting more frequent. They're no longer quelled by physical activity. I've started getting them at work. I consider quitting my job and finding something more suited to my skills, then I realize that I'd be getting sudden-onset despair anywhere, anytime, doing anything. It's not the circumstances. It's me.

If I had a nickel for each time I've thought "Now that Circumstance X is in place, it will All Be Okay and I will never again face the Screaming Horrors," I'd not be worrying about finances these days.

Now that I've managed to tell someone I want to kill myself, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 13)

Now that I have a regular job, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 14)

Now that I have a boyfriend, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 15)

Now that I'm with Doug [aka dumbass] instead of Bob [me 17, him 34], it's Going to Be Okay. (age 17)

Now that I'm engaged, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 17)

Now that a doctor understands that I want to die and has diagnosed me with clinical depression, even though I don't have depression but just want to die, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 17)

Now that I'm married, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 18)

Now that I'm going to have a baby, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 18)

Now that I'm a mother, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 19)

Now that I've told someone I want to kill myself, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 20)

Now that a doctor understands my desire to kill myself and has prescribed antidepressants, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 20)

Now that I'm pregnant again and can't kill myself, it really HAS to Be Okay (oh please God let it be okay). (age 20)

Now that I've left Doug [aka dumbass], it's Going to Be Okay. (age 20)

Now that I'm divorced and the baby is born, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 21)

Now that I've enrolled in college, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 22)

Now that I'm engaged to remarry, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 23)

Now that I've married a good father [aka creepass] for my boys, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 23)

Now that I'm in college and am expecting another child, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 23)

Now that I'm seeing a great psychiatrist and am on different meds, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 24)

Now that I've come out as lesbian and survived the seemingly endless extremely suicidal depression, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 24)

Now that I've left creepass, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 25)

Now that I'm working three jobs, back in school, and the divorce is final, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 26)

Now that I'm on different antidepressants, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 27)

Now that I'm volunteering as advocate and am having to deal with the pain of my own experiences in order to help others, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 28)

Now that I'm done with college and am doing heavy physical labor in an outdoor setting, it's Going to Be Okay. (age 29)

You know what? It's not okay.

I had YWCA case management today. One of my goals for the week is to get an appointment with my (goddesslike) doctor, to do something about the worsening depression before it really fucks up my life. (These bosses won't be as accepting of multiple "too mentally ill to get out of bed, can only stare at the wall and drool" days as absurd_observer was.) I took a nice bath after work. That helped. My goal for tonight is to not eat a big bag of Almond Jpy candy bars for dinner. So far, so good. I'm eating a bag of Tostitos chips with a bowl of salsa, instead. Hey, at least I don't have booze in the house. (Missoula peoples, please don't bring me booze, even if I ask really really nicely and appear to need it really really bad. I have a "no booze when depression is worsening" rule.)

Comments

[redrita.livejournal.com]

I love you sweetie, and I miss talking to you too! Everyone's feeling the seasonal depression, though. I love autumn, with the bright colors and crisp air, but it's having a party as the ship is sinking. You know what's coming, you just try to ignore it as long as possible until the frigid waters close over your head.

So, in an effort to stave off my own depression, here are the things I love about autumn. (And, for the record, I hate winter. With a passion.)
1) Trees cloaked in multi-colored leaves
2) Crisp mornings that lead to warm afternoons
3) Autumn sunrises (lots of different hues of blue and pink with fluffy clouds)
4) "Falling back" an hour. I gained an hour! More sleep! Woo!!!!
5) Sweaters hide the tummy bulk better than skin tight tank tops
6) People don't look at me like I'm nuts because I'm bundled in a blanket or sweater
7) Halloween (costumes sate the restless personalities)
8) Pumpkins!
9) Carving pumpkins!
10) Cooking pumpkins!
11) Pumpkin Pie!
12) Pumpkin and chocolate chip cookies are readily available in most grocery stores!
13) The satisfying crunch as I walk through fallen leaves
14) Kicking up a cloud of leaves as I walk down the street
15) Summer clearance sales
16) People haven't started the Christmas shit yet
17) Kids are in school, and I have the house to myself for 4 hrs a day
18) Dyeing my hair to match the fall colors
19) Hunting season (free meat) Yes, things die, but I don't have to kill them
20) Thanksgiving! (Get to see the family, cook things that I know how to cook, and can cook well.) But people are starting the Christmas stuff by then, which kind of sucks.

Ok, I hope I've helped. Love you tons, dearest, and you better plan a trip to Salmon for Thanksgiving, because we're definitely going to be there. Dean's planning on spending most of the time fishing, so get your license, and you can go hide with him and probably Dad for most of the holiday.

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

I think I need to dye my hair. Or shave it off. It's definitely a "do extreme things to my hair" time.

"so get your license, and you can go hide with him and probably Dad for most of the holiday."

.... hanging out? With Dad? Honeybabes, that's you, not me.

I'll be there for Thanksgiving. Bring some yummy booze with you, okay? We'll sneak out to the shed or something.

[roguespirit.livejournal.com]

I do the drastic hair change thing, too. When I'm depressed or otherwise miserable, I dye it black. Right now, I'm at the chopped so short that it stands up by itself without much help stage which I think means that I don't care what men think of my looks right now.

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

That's exactly why I've been wanting to shave it again. Shaving my head basically says "Yeah, well FUCK YOU TOO, you rejecting prick." *cough cough* (No interpretations please, it's both a general and a specific thing.)

Doctors are stupid for people who are so damned intelligent

[roguespirit.livejournal.com]

You know, I really wish that doctors would figure out that some people are depressed because they have a chemical problem that can be fixed with the right medications and some people are depressed because of fucked up things in their lives (past and present) that they haven't yet dealt with and no one is going to be helping them deal by giving them drugs they don't need. When I had severe bouts of depression, no one bothered to figure out if it was chemical or my fucked up life. It was my fucked up life. And the drugs made things worse. I was staring at the wall drooling because of the drugs. It wasn't pretty. I was also hallucinating and nearly suicidal on the ones that I wasn't allergic to. I'm sure that having less sunlight and whatever else it is that causes seasonal depression isn't going to help, but that can't be fixed with drugs either. If I can help, let me know... even if it's just to let you know that you aren't the only person who is going through what you are going through (or for that matter, what you went through to get to this point).

Re: Doctors are stupid for people who are so damned intelligent

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

**hugs** thanks.

To be terribly blunt, drugs keep me alive so I have a chance to address the causes of the depression and hopefully prevent giving my kiddos some unhealable scars (like, ya know, "My mommy killed herself so she must not have loved me" type things). I do think that part of mine is chemical, because I can't name one person in my family who DOESN'T have it... and yes, that canmean fucked-up family, but it goes back generations on both sides. For a while, the most frequent causes of death on my mother's side of the family were suicide and murder.

*sigh*

What's it like not to be depressed, and not to be dreading the return of the Bad Spells? (Anyone? Anyone? Renfroe?)

Re: Doctors are stupid for people who are so damned intelligent

[roguespirit.livejournal.com]

I'm glad the drugs keep you alive. I know they work for some people, I just wasn't one of them. It sounds like you are both chemical and situational. And it would appear that the changing seasons aren't helping things. Fortunately you do work outside, so hopefully that will work in your favor with the sunlight factor. I don't dread the return of the bad spells... but mostly that's just me ignoring the possibility that they could return with the unexplainable anger, the overwhelming sadness, and the debilitating anxiety that goes with them. Every once in a while my body reminds me with a nice unexpected panic attack, which I've been having sporadically lately. Not being depressed and in dread of the bad spells is like having what I presume is a normal life. Or at least as close as I get to one. It's being able to do stuff without thought to anything but doing what needs to be done or what I want to do. It's not taking medication to get me to sleep at night. Or medication to get me motivated to do stuff. It's not knowing only sadness or overwhelming anything.

[fuckingsilence.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's a seasonal thing. I have had a lot of the same things happening to me, especially over the last couple days.

Weird thing is, I really like autumn.

I love you

[(Anonymous)]

****hugs****

Maria Lucia

Re: I love you

[kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com]

I love you too, beautiful. Sorry I haven't been e-mailing! :-(

Have I shared H.A.L.T. with you?

[64tbird.livejournal.com]

A way to help fight depression (or alcoholism or a bunch of other things) is to start with the basics. And seeing your Almond Joy comment I think I've failed to mention this to you...

Never let yourself get:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

Keep protien type snacks on hand for emergencies.
Take time out when you need to
Call friends when you need to (I can give you my cell number if you feel like you are burdening those physically close to you too often)
Sleep well and fully, and don't deprive yourself of pillow time.

And yes - talk to a doc.

But this should help too.

[weedblossom.livejournal.com]

I, for one, LOVE autumn. It's my favorite time of year. And I really don't even mind winter that much, especially in NC because it never snows here! (Well, hardly ever.) -- the down side to that is that when it does snow, poor little old grannies and grampies are interviewed for Channel Six News about stepping out on their front porch and finding - !!! - three whole inches of snow. WOW. Seven years away from the mountains actually make me miss it a bit.

ANYWAY, I think Redrita's list was AWESOME - especially the ones about dressing up for Halloween (I'M GOING TO BE A WITCH THIS YEAR! Go figure) and getting to wear concealing clothing like sweaters. But I had a friend in college who had SAD (Seasonal Adjustment Disorder?), clinically diagnosed, I mean, and I saw how hard this time of year was for her.

OHHHHHH for several hundred dollars to squander so that I could hop on a plane - my first flight ever - and fly out Missoula, Montana! I have this terrible, overwhelming, tear-inducing need to just hug you and hold you, run my fingers through your hair and kiss your brow, and tell you that everything is going to be okay (even though we always know that it's not).

I love you, sweeting, and I am praying for you.

[yndy.livejournal.com]

"You know what? It's not okay"

No - it seldom is "okay"... especially due to random events...

Life is like plate-spinning, just because you stabilized one teetering plate, or gave up on it and let it crash, doesn't mean the rest of them will just spin happily on forever...

It requires maintainance - and judgement calls - what do you focus on? what do you let drop? what can wait a couple of more seconds before you need to 'jiggle' it again?

I find that life is seldom just 'okay' - it's either amazingly good, or horribly bad... A roller coaster that just went around in a circle, with no ups or downs would seem pointless, and mighty boring if you ask me...

So you're down... figure out which plates to drop, which ones to jiggle, and which ones can wait a bit... then go for it, and add another plate! :) You can do this you know...

Hang in there...