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Company Memo
Sep. 8th, 2005 08:25 amDearest Darling Coworkers,
We will soon be celebrating our first annual Office Empowerment Week! I've got lots of fun and exciting activities lined up to benefit and enrich us all.
Monday: "Making Coffee: not always easy, but so very worth it." We'll have a special presentation on the joy and satisfaction brought by pouring only clean, cold water into the coffeemaker, never old coffee!
Tuesday: "Washing Your Very Own Dishes Really Soon After You Dirty Them Is Fun: building feelings of self-efficacy with dish detergent." We'll have some exciting dishwashing races and discuss how happy we all feel when we find the communal dishes clean and ready to useand how finding dirty dishes by the bathroom sink makes us want to stab people with their own dirty forks.
Wednesday: "Risks and Rewards of Sealing Your OwnGoddamn Envelopes: turning the fear into accomplishment." We'll learn to use sponge-tip envelope moisteners, share stories of having paper cuts on our tongues, and discuss the deep-seated fears revealed by that Seinfeld episode with the envelopes.
Thursday: "Breaking Down Cardboard Boxes All By Yourself: like a big warm hug for Mother Earth, AND you!" We'll practice looking for and separating box seams and folding flattened cardboard boxes so they'll fit inside the recycling bin. We'll have a special presentation by the program director whose office is beside the recycling area on how much she adores you all and how very glad she is when she doesn't have to break down thegoddamn cardboard boxes that lazy shitheels others have left in the hall.
Friday: "Cleaning Up The Copy Area After You Use It: reducing your risk of mysterious stapler accidents." We'll have multiple special presentations by staff who have OCD tendencies on how the next time they find paper scraps and staples scattered all over the copy table, they will hunt you down and stab you to death with your own office supplies, followed by a workshop on cleaning the blood of your lazy shitheel coworkers off your desk scissors.
Attendance is mandatory, you lazy shitheels.
-- Katrina, your kind and patient office manager
We will soon be celebrating our first annual Office Empowerment Week! I've got lots of fun and exciting activities lined up to benefit and enrich us all.
Monday: "Making Coffee: not always easy, but so very worth it." We'll have a special presentation on the joy and satisfaction brought by pouring only clean, cold water into the coffeemaker, never old coffee!
Tuesday: "Washing Your Very Own Dishes Really Soon After You Dirty Them Is Fun: building feelings of self-efficacy with dish detergent." We'll have some exciting dishwashing races and discuss how happy we all feel when we find the communal dishes clean and ready to use
Wednesday: "Risks and Rewards of Sealing Your Own
Thursday: "Breaking Down Cardboard Boxes All By Yourself: like a big warm hug for Mother Earth, AND you!" We'll practice looking for and separating box seams and folding flattened cardboard boxes so they'll fit inside the recycling bin. We'll have a special presentation by the program director whose office is beside the recycling area on how much she adores you all and how very glad she is when she doesn't have to break down the
Friday: "Cleaning Up The Copy Area After You Use It: reducing your risk of mysterious stapler accidents." We'll have multiple special presentations by staff who have OCD tendencies on how the next time they find paper scraps and staples scattered all over the copy table, they will hunt you down and stab you to death with your own office supplies, followed by a workshop on cleaning the blood of your lazy shitheel coworkers off your desk scissors.
Attendance is mandatory, you lazy shitheels.
-- Katrina, your kind and patient office manager
