[personal profile] kyra_ojosverdes
Dear Self: when you find yourself getting totally frustrated with someone because she's on a self-destructive tear and seems to be doing nothing but hurting herself, please keep in mind why you've gone on self-destructive tears, and realize that something has happened which you do not yet know about and/or understand but which will probably make you cry really hard and wish you'd understood a whole lot sooner.

Love, Me.

Date: 2005-05-06 04:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-motel666812.livejournal.com
Baby, it's okay. It's okay. I didn't realize what was up, either.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxxoxoxo

Date: 2005-05-06 04:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com
I know you didn't, and that's WHY you were doing things that hurt you. I just wish I'd recognized it for what it was, and not thought "dammit STOP THAT" but instead asked "sweetie, are you okay?"

I care about you a whole lot, pretty lady. I'm really, really glad you found some smart, safe people to talk to.

Date: 2005-05-06 04:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-motel666812.livejournal.com
And I thought I'd been doing so well.

*laughing*

And you're one of the smartest, and the safest.

I'm sorry for annoying you. I seriously didn't know what was up.

xoxxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxox

Date: 2005-05-06 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com
How about we both stop being sorry now, hmm? Now we both know what's up, and we both know how wonderful and amazing and brave and strong and everything else good you are, and that's that.

Sleep, pretty lady. Sleep is good for you. I'll do the same.

Date: 2005-05-06 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-motel666812.livejournal.com
Good night, darling. Much much love.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

Date: 2005-05-06 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-motel666812.livejournal.com
I'm curious, though...what was it that I was doing that clued you in? I thought I was falling apart, but quietly, with nobody noticing.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

Date: 2005-05-06 05:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] marialuminous.livejournal.com
You were very quiet about it, yes. But sometimes the quietness is the very thing that suggests something is up. I could sense that something was going on, but I didn't have a clue what.

*hugs*

I hope that you sleep well, beautiful.

Date: 2005-05-06 12:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roguespirit.livejournal.com
You made comments that didn't sound right, that didn't sound like you, that sounded afraid. And you did it often enough since you got to NOLA that it didn't seem like an anomoly. And you didn't want to come back to this place that you were so wanting to come to a few months ago. You did and said things that sounded too familiar... and for me, I knew where it was coming from. That you denied it to yourself and online didn't change the pain I could see in your posts. It just meant you weren't ready to deal with it yet.

Date: 2005-05-06 12:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-motel666812.livejournal.com
Yeah...you're totally right. WOW, that sucks.

But, on the other hand, I'm so glad that I have perceptive female friends that can tell when something's wrong.

I hope to God I'm seeming more "myself" now, even in the midst of this grief and rage.

xoxoxoxxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

Date: 2005-05-06 01:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roguespirit.livejournal.com
Yes, you are seeming more yourself. Even in the midst of the grief and rage, because that is a part of who you are and is more honest, stronger and better than the hiding and denial. That's what I like about you, your strength and honesty, even when stuff sucks.

Date: 2005-05-06 02:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com
Exactly what [livejournal.com profile] rougespirit said. You were doing "things which [livejournal.com profile] motel666 does once in a while" a whole lot, there was definitely a sense of fear, and more so a sense of trying to escape your own thoughts and consciousness. **hug**

Date: 2005-05-06 02:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com
um yeah, pretend I didn't typo your name in that one. "Bad username" would be [livejournal.com profile] motel666

Date: 2005-05-06 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-motel666812.livejournal.com
Who's the Bad Username? Me?

I am going to the clinic today. Even on the sliding scale, it's gonna cost me about $200 to get a full STD screen. I can't afford it...I'm going to ask if I can make payments on installment.

Planned Parenthood has no sliding fee scale here, and only tests for gonorrhea and chlamydia.

I'm so tired of this. I have to figure out how to take the fucking bus to the fucking clinic, and I'm probably gonna cry at the clinic, and then I'm gonna have to take the bus home.

And I don't fucking know where the $200 is going to come from, because I can't work.

I'm going to drink water, take a shower, and look up the public transit map on the internet.

xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoox

Date: 2005-05-06 06:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com
I wish I could help with even a tiny part of that, hon. :-(

Date: 2005-05-06 06:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-motel666812.livejournal.com
I'm so angry. Getting his dick stuck into me was only the proverbial tip of the iceberg, it turns out.

xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo

Date: 2005-05-06 06:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com
Would you like me to friends-lock this entry, sweetie? Say the word and I will.

Date: 2005-05-06 06:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ex-motel666812.livejournal.com
Nah. It wasn't MY fault.

I'm showered, now off to the clinic.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

Date: 2005-05-06 02:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kyra-ojosverdes.livejournal.com
And yes, definitely much much more yourself now, which is a HUGE relief. *hugs*

Through Betnoir

Date: 2005-05-06 06:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] selinawoman.livejournal.com
Thats how I found you three wonderful women... I have no business being here, except for my wonder that there are three exceptional women all in one comment page... I just had to "butt in".. the thing is that I dont even know who Betnoir is! I mean I think I may know her since she is a member of my Science fiction club but I didnt recognise her last time she was there... im on a search, so I can tell her, thank you. Funny this, out of all her "friends list" I had only responded to you three, and now here you all are... the *really* exceptionally cool things are:
1. you havent kicked me out of your world yet
2. you are all taking care of each other

thank you for both of those things. I was a little worried about Motel 666 too, but she seems to have an acute handle on a primal level so I know she wont go totally gonzo, but it sure helps to have super women on your side too.

Like I said. Stay free and only take the fun drugs... you know, in moderation!
Love actually,
SelinaWoman from another planet

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