Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1

There are tears of laughter rolling down my face. I'm doing that "rather scary-looking convulsions" thing that one does when one is trying to avoid cackling loudly enough to be heard two floors down. *snuffle snerk snort*

Also, my coworkers are now taking turns approaching a random officemate and saying "So, I'm having some concerns about the safety of our office.... are you using meth?" So far it produces hysterical giggles every time.
Coworker: *walks through office door*
Eliza: *stands cross-armed in front of door* "I'm locking you in! You can't get out!" *evil laughter*
Coworker: *fails to notice the hugely threatening small child and wanders back to kitchen area*
Me: "Careful Eliza, [coworker] is way tougher than you."
Eliza: *puffs up* "I am seven years old and you don't MESS wiff sevens-years-olds!"
Me: *uncontrollable laughter*
Eliza: *increases puffitude* "You're messing wiff me!"
Me: "No, I'm dying of laughter. I'm not messing with you, I'm laughing my ass off at you."
Eliza: *hmmph!*

Office phrase-of-day is now "I'm just sayin', don't be messing with any seven-years-olds!"
It'd be a Quote of the Day, but you really just need to click the link. It made me shriek with laughter.

... partly because I was thanking all the gods and goddesses that it's never happened to me.

... which is partly because, well, I consider "eating at McDonald's" far worse than, um, nevermind public entry.

Thanks to [ profile] yndy for pointing this one out.
kyra_ojosverdes: (sad)
.. taken from

Ways to make therapy fun!

1. After you answer a question, ask "What's my score?" If your therapist asks what you mean, reply "Riiiiiiight. Gotcha" and wink.

2. Save all of your used gum for a month and make a sculpture of your therapist's head. Bring it with you to therapy, set it next to you and start addressing it. In baby talk.

3. When you are talking about work, substitute your mother's name for that of your boss.

4. Each time you go to therapy, hide a small balloon, filled with water, in your pants pocket. When you say the word "marriage," pop the balloon with a pin.

5. Try to sit on your therapist's lap.

6. Ask your therapist if she sells stamps wholesale. If the answer is "No," ask why she thinks it's okay to rip you off. After a little silence, say that you'll buy some anyway, but this is the last time.

7. Stare at your therapist without saying a word, except.. every time your therapist blinks, yell "BLINKY-BLINKY!!"

8. Show up early and sit in your therapist's chair.

9. Tell your therapist that you've named your toilet seat after him. Tell him it's increased your trips to the bathroom.

10. Ask your therapist to write a note saying it's okay for you to miss work.

11. Ask the following: "Hypothetically, if I were a trained psychologist who was sent here to evaluate your qualifications, how would that make you feel?" When she answers, take out a pad of paper and scribble furiously.

12. Ask how much more it would cost to get a meal included with your therapy. Say you know other therapists who do it.

13. No matter what your therapist says, at the end of the session say "So let me see if I can sum up what I think you're saying: it's all in my head, right?"

14. Repeat the above at the end of every therapy session.

15. Buy a copy of the DSM IV-TR. (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV, Text Revision). Starting on page one, highlight every symptom you've ever had. Ask your therapist to tell you whether the symptoms you've highlighted lead to a diagnosis.

16. Make an appointment for ten years in the future.

17. Say that the real reason you're in therapy is that you've heard there's a way to cure hangovers, using hypnosis. Make sure you have a hangover when you say this.

18. Ask the following: "Do you think that my aggressive and libidinal wishes are fused and that I continue to lack a sense of object constancy, or is this all the result of my attempts to master the traumatic experiences involving orality during my pre-Oedipal years?"

19. Refuse to pay until your therapist can guess what you are thinking.

20. Have your mother call your cell phone during a session. Ask your therapist if he would like to speak to her.

21. Say "Did you hear that? Sounded like the dinner bell again! Ding-a-ling--a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling!!!!"

22. Repeat the above every five minutes.

23. Ask how long it will be until you can get the certificate that says you are normal.

24. After your therapist makes a comment, say "That's exactly what Dr. Phil said on Oprah!! Did you see that show?"

25. During your session, casually let this book drop out of your bag: Sexual Involvement with Therapists: Patient Assessment, Subsequent Therapy, and Forensics by Kenneth S. Pope, APA, Washington DC 1994.

26. Give your therapist a copy of Dr. Phil's book, Getting Real. Add an inscription that says "Never let go of your dreams, maybe someday you can make it to the top, too!"



September 2007

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