kyra_ojosverdes: (sad)
Everyone was sick and the phone wouldn't shut up and I started feeling sick too and I was worried that I'd get sick and then I realized that I'd started my period without any damn warning good thing my skirt is black and then after four people mentioned that I'm really pale I figure maybe I'm getting sick after all and I've been on tenterhooks about something since yesterday and GAH and then the thing with the kids and their fathers and Mark asking direct questions and the house is even messier than on Friday after we spent the weekend cleaning it and my DAMN WINE GLASS ISN'T REALLY CLEAN.

I mean, the rest I can deal with. Not-really-clean wineglasses are just beyond the fucking pale.
[ profile] smoonn and [ profile] quetzalcoatl_9's wedding was incredibly beautiful and the reception was fantastic beyond belief.

Wow. I do believe I have blisters on my feet. )

A million thanks and hugs to the wonderful people who talked to me... and yes, I realize that sounds fairly pathetic to thank people for talking to me, but it's what made it so I could enjoy the wedding and reception instead of dashing for the door so I'd clear the building before the tears hit.

[ profile] smoonn, [ profile] quetzalcoatl_9, [ profile] luminousx, [ profile] dimfuture, [ profile] geetz, [ profile] controlledfall and [ profile] maxheadwidth, you are all wonderful individuals and I was very glad to enjoy your company tonight.

[ profile] quetzalcoatl_9, I am madly infatuated with your sister.
kyra_ojosverdes: (sad)

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin sandals and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickles for a week.
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

- Jenny Joseph

I just bought a gift for my mother. Cut for bandwidth. )

It was too perfect not to buy. I'm not sure what I'll do with it, really, because I don't know where Mom's grave will be or when her remains will be interred, or anything, really. I considered wearing the hat to Mom's funeral, but wearing of hats in Mormon churches Is Not Done. I may hold it in my lap though, just because. I also considered buying one for each of my sisters, but I wasn't sure if they'd want one. It's too late to call, but I'll call in the morning and ask.

I wanted to explain the hat to everyone in the store, to tell them how my mother loved the poem and how I'm buying her the hat even though... I didn't, but I wanted to. I was there to buy some dress clothes for the boys in case they want to attend the funeral. I did that.

EDIT: I IMed with [ profile] redrita about it. She thought it was a neat idea and that my sisters and I could wear the hats during the post-cemetary church meal thing, where the mood is more relaxed and where we wouldn't be shocking/offending anyone by breaking norms and unspoken rules. I'll be pushing it enough with my buzzcut.
kyra_ojosverdes: (sad)
Ruminations on the intersection between internal and external worlds. Cut for length. )
You're wondering if I'm lonely:
OK then, yes, I'm lonely
as a plane rides lonely and level
on its radio beam, aiming
across the Rockies
for the blue-strung aisles
of an airfield on the ocean.

You want to ask, am I lonely?
Well, of course, lonely
as a woman driving across country
day after day, leaving behind
mile after mile
little towns she might have stopped
and lived and died in, lonely

If I'm lonely
it must be the loneliness
of waking first, of breathing
dawn's first cold breath on the city
of being the one awake
in a house wrapped in sleep

If I'm lonely
it's with the rowboat ice-fast on the shore
in the last red light of the year
that knows what it is, that knows it's neither
ice nor mud nor winter light
but wood, with a gift for burning

- Adrienne Rich
Can we live through February?

I talked with Tess last night. She hugged me and told me that she loved me. I wasn't sure why. Not that you need a reason to say "I love you," but she said she thought I might need to hear it... and that it was, after all, February. I asked if she were referencing the 10th, and my anniversary. She said no, just the depths of hell. Yes, February.

The Song I'm Referencing )

I'm worried about her. I'm still a little worried about me. I've been feeling worlds better, but my house still looks like a tornado hit it.. and despite the fact that I have three small tornadoes, that's really bothering me. My Christmas tree is still up. I've started to take it down several times, but my energy and motivation fizzle when I start clearing the hall closet so I can open the door to the storage space that holds the box for the Christmas things...

I love you, Tess. March comes soon, and then April. After April comes May, and green things. After May comes June, and summer, when All Is Good.

"After All" by Dar Williams
Click here for the lyrics to the whole damn song )
... what she said. (Tess and I are discussing "favorite songs which really capture how we feel about Things.") This verse kills me:

And it felt like a winter machine
That you go through and then
You catch your breath and winter starts again
And everyone else is spring bound

Yeah, that would be depression. Even more so for the chronic variety.. the kind I've been blessed with since childhood.

.. this client makes updates a little too easy. This journal is gonna gain weight in a hurry. It's not so slim, as things stand now.



September 2007

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